How to listen
What is listening?
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Listening is your ability to understand a person’s point of view in a conversation.
What is a conversation?
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Conversation is the verbal transfer of point of view. When you initiate a conversation with someone you are trying to transfer your point of view to them. Similarly, when someone initiates a conversation with you they are trying to transfer their point of view to you. A conversation is successful when the transfer of point of view is successful. The transfer of point of view is successful when it creates empathy in the person receiving it.
Each party in a conversation needs a skill for the conversation to be successful. The person transferring his point of view needs the skill of communication. Communication is the ability to explain a point of view using language. The person receiving the transfer of point of view needs the skill of listening. Listening is the ability to understand a point of view.
What is listening?
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Listening might seem like a complicated skill to you. You are confused when someone calls you a bad listener. You took part in the conversation and heard whatever the person said. But still, you are accused of bad listening. This is because listening is more than just hearing. Communication alone cannot transfer a point a view. You as a listener need to understand the underlying emotions being communicated. Only when you understand a person’s emotions you can develop empathy for them. The ability to understand a person’s emotions is a basic skill. It doesn’t have to be learned, every person is born with it. But you fail to use this skill due to your insecurities. When you are an insecure person you are always preoccupied with your own well being. So you are unable to develop empathy for others.
Characteristics of bad listening
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You fail to listen by either interrupting or refusing to understand.
Interruption
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Interrupting to correct trivial mistakes in communication
Correcting trivial factual errors.
Example:
John: I was amazed by the solar eclipse of September 2017. I was travelling when I saw the eclipse in the middle of the road, it was…(interrupted by Adam)
Adam: The eclipse was in August not September!
The month of the eclipse is irrelevant to the conversation as John is trying to communicate his emotions of watching the eclipse. Adam is a bad listener for interrupting John’s communication.
Correcting mistakes in language.
Example:
John: I don’t know with who I will go the school dance. I feel desperate… (interrupted by Adam)
Adam: It is not who but whom. I don’t know with whom I will go.
The grammatical error is trivial. Adam still understands what John meant. It is unnecessary to point out this mistake. Adam is a bad listener for interrupting John’s communication of emotions.
Interrupting to share your experience.
Instead of listening to someone’s point of view, you hijack the conversation to make them listen to your point of view.
Example:
John: I have been feeling depressed since my divorce. I am not able to… (interrupted by Adam)
Adam: I am also depressed these days because of loss in business.
Adams’s point of view is irrelevant to the conversation. John is trying to explain his emotions to get empathy from Adam. Adam is a bad listener for interrupting it.
Interrupting to impress
You interrupt to impressing the person talking to you.
Impressing with knowledge.
Example:
John: I went to the Grand Canyon with my family…(interrupted by Adam)
Adam: Do you know that the Grand Canyon is more than a mile deep?
It is not clear whether the depth of Grand Canyon is relevant to the conversation. Adam is bringing it up unnecessarily to impress John with his knowledge of the Grand Canyon. Adam is a bad listener for interrupting John’s communication.
Impressing with jokes
Example:
John: I visited my father in the hospital. His right leg had swollen due to infection. It was huge.
Adam: That’s what she said!
The joke by Adam is inappropriate due to the seriousness of the situation. John is trying to explain his emotions to get empathy from Adam. Adam is a bad listener for interrupting it.
Giving unsolicited advice
You give unsolicited advice to impress with your maturity. Example:
John: I have been feeling depressed since the divorce. I am not able to … (interrupted by Adam)
Adam: Get a hobby, John. That is the best way to move on from your divorce.
Adam’s solution is unnecessary as John has not asked for it. John is trying to explain his emotions to get empathy from Adam. Adam is a bad listener for interrupting it.
Refusing to understand
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You refuse to understand another person’s point of view by trivialising and debating.
Trivialising a person’s point of view
Example:
John: I have been feeling depressed since the divorce. I am not able to … (interrupted by Adam)
Adam: Get over it, man! Everyone goes through a divorce or two.
Adam is trivialising John’s emotions. He is a bad listener refusing to understand John’s emotions.
Debating a person’s point of view
Example:
John: John: I have been feeling depressed since the divorce. I am not able to … (interrupted by Adam)
Adam: Tracy should be the one feeling depressed, not you. You didn’t treat her well.
Adam asserts that John has no reason to feel depressed. He is directly rejecting John’s emotions. He is a bad listener for refusing to understand John’s emotions. Even if Adam is right about John treating Tracy badly, this conversation is not the right conversation to bring up. The purpose of this conversation is for John to communicate his emotions to Adam to get his empathy. It is not to find out who is at fault for John’s divorce.
Why do you interrupt?
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You interrupt because you don’t see understanding a person’s point of view as the purpose of conversations. Instead, you see approval-seeking as the purpose of conversations. Approval seeking is a behaviour which helps you respect yourself. In this behaviour, you try to make others respect you. When others respect you, you respect yourself. You showcase your superiority to others to get respect. You do it even in conversations. You correct factual mistakes and language errors to show superior knowledge of facts and language. You interrupt to share your experiences to show superiority in experience. You interrupt to make jokes to show superiority in sense of humour. You interrupt to convey irrelevant knowledge to show superiority in general knowledge. You give unsolicited advice to show superiority in maturity.
Why do you refuse to understand?
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You refuse to understand because you don’t see understanding a person’s point of view as the purpose of conversation. Instead, you see approval-seeking as the purpose of conversations. You trivialise a person’s point of view to show your superiority in maturity. You think that treating serious issues as trivial is a sign of maturity. You debate a person’s point of view to prove it wrong. You think that proving others wrong showcases your superiority. You think it is important to have correct opinions to be respected by society. So you convert conversations into arguments to prove others’ opinions wrong.
How to be a good listener?
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Use self-awareness to catch yourself interrupting or refusing to understand others. Use your will power to stop it. It will difficult in the beginning. Forgive yourself when you fail. With some success, you will find it easier to stop yourself.
Understand that others may think differently than you. People don’t have to think exactly like you for you to have a good relationship with them. So don’t judge people by their opinions. Don’t try to prove them wrong. People will warm up to you if you don’t judge them. A person who doesn’t judge others is rare.
In the long run, build self-respect to stop approval-seeking behaviour. When you have self-respect you will automatically stop using conversations to seek approval. Understand that there is no objective standard to respect yourself or anyone else. Everyone including yourself deserves equal respect for just being a person.